The Queen is Dead

8th September 2022
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Today we were heartbroken to hear that our national mummy, the inbreeder-in-chief, Elizabeth Windsor, has left our earthly plain. As the clock struck some hours before us plebs were allowed to find out, the eternal soul of our once-assumed-to-be eternal Queen slithered out of its withered vessel and abandoned its realm, safe in the knowledge it was well and truly conquered.

Our sources in the Royal medical team have told us that they just hadn’t enough orphan blood to pump into her. Without her precious life force, there was just no way of saving her.

The entire nation and all its colonies stand together in collective sorrow, billions of people now cry out in mourning, in the largest display of Stockholm Syndrome ever experienced in history.

It’s truly such a shame that she didn’t make it a few more years. She wasn’t far off beating the reigning record of Louis XIV, the Sun King. That she couldn’t even muster up the energy to get one over on the French displays a truly disappointing lack of patriotism from our former head of state.

The Queen is dead, now we are left with… some guy.

In the space of the symbol of consistency we have all known our entire lives, that even some of our grandparents have not known life without, we now find ourselves ruled by a sentient slice of gammon known as Charles. Not only do we not hold a fraction of devotion for this void of personality that is now our new head of state, but if anything we worry for him.

Charles has inherited the special headgear at a time when his country isn’t doing so good. Millions of people have been pushed into poverty, unable to afford fuel or food, while the system he presides over extracts more and more wealth into his own hands and that of his benefactors. Knowing the fate of one of his predecessors, we wish him all the best in keeping his head above his shoulders, as he negotiates a period of disorder that his mum never could have dreamt of.

Who do we have to thank for the coronation of a new hat-wearer, whilst so many of us are struggling to pay our bills? We can only assume that, like Charles, our outwardly-grieving government is probably popping champagne right now behind closed doors. Now that the nation’s main source of stability is gone, who else but them to ensure our safe passage through uncharted waters?

Of course, life has been made needlessly more difficult because of decisions they made, but let’s not worry about that right now. What we need now is national unity, not to do away with the very system that has kept so many of us in rags, whilst decorating a few in diamonds. There’s no reason we should be changing our government right now, no, it’s not the right time.

So as millions get thrown at the rich to keep them happy, millions more are funnelled into parades for the world’s most famous corpse and corpse-in-waiting, we will just have to make do in scraping our pennies together. This is what we must unite to ensure – that the rich get richer, the powerful get more power, and we get fuck all.

Some people might see all this and call for change, asking why we still have a government dedicated to killing poor people, why our political system is left in the clutches of a single person from a single family, why we shouldn’t get on ripping all of this to pieces and ensuring that no person ever goes hungry and houseless again.

We cannot answer these questions. We can only hold our hands on our hearts and together sing the words of our national anthem: God Save the Queen, The Fascist Regime.

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